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Miami Reviews

You thought we were going to bring you models and movie stars. Get real. This is a crapping guide. We went to some of the worst places in Miami to take a crap or to look at naked women (batchelor party duties). Unfortunately our friends like going to the lower-tier strip clubs. We almost got our asses kicked by Russian and Latin mafia dudes trying to get some of these pics so we hope you appreciate them. Check out the reviews below and go in peace.

Aventura/North Miami/NMB
Coconut Grove
Coral Gables
Hialeah/Medley/Doral
Key Biscayne
Little Haiti
Little Havana
Miami Beach (Mid)
Miami Beach (South)

Miami (Aventura/North Miami/North Miami Beach)

Dolphins Stadium (formerly PP Park)

The Mystery Crapper made a surprise appearance at the Orange Bowl/BCS National Championship football game between Oklahoma Goobers and the Florida State (extremely snoopid) Criminals. Just as on the field, there was a battle brewing in the crapper at PP Stadium giving new meaning to the title Orange Bowl!!! We have included a few photos of the event below. If you can take the pressure of a line of five or six people waiting outside one of three stalls (after everyone has been making fun of everyone else who has just taken a crap ahead of you), then you can use this crapper for emergency purposes only. The cleanliness is poor and the privacy factor is low. Just stick to drinking beer and pissing.

User Friendliness = 1
Cleanliness = 1
Privacy = 5
Facilities = 2
Overall Rating = 1


Gulfstream Park

Drinking beer, eating pretzels and betting on losing horses will make you have to take a major crap. Gulfstream has provided its patrons with plenty of crapping options, all reasonable considering the amount of people there at one time. Stalls are plentiful and towards the back of the facilities, adding to the privacy. The amount of activity and intoxication helps with anonimity. Watch out for the occasional clog or toilet sculpture. the only thing they need is a betting window in the crapper.

User Friendliness = 3
Cleanliness = 2
Privacy = 2.5
Facilities = 2
Overall Rating = 2.5


The Ale House (NMB)

Ok, we love the Ale House (See Palm Beach reviews). How can you beat good food, cold beer and clean and private crappers. No more needs to be said.

User Friendliness = 3
Cleanliness = 4
Privacy = 3.5
Facilities = 3
Overall Rating = 3.5

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Miami (Coconut Grove)

Iguana Cantina

Loses one point automatically for having a bathroom attendant. This bar sucks so bad that it just doesn't matter what the toilet is like. (This place probably does not exist anymore).

User Friendliness = 2.5
Cleanliness = 2.5
Privacy = 2.5
Facilities = 2.5
Overall Rating = 2.5

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Miami (Coral Gables)

Lambda Chi Alpha Fraternity House

Oh, the stories that this crapper could tell, like the time I was living in the house and had food poisoning for two weeks... This facility has been greatly updated since our time in the house when the two stalls didn't even have doors. Used to be TRAINSPOTTING material but we give our brothers credit for upgrading their crapper. Bonus point for the signage and because it is our fraternity and our web site damn it.

User Friendliness = 2
Cleanliness = 2
Privacy = 2
Facilities = 2
Overall Rating = 2


The Alley Cat

Located in the warehouse district of Coral Gables, this was one boring strip club. Crapper was ok. Good privacy because there is no one in the place including strippers! The area has now been replaced by the giant Villages of Merrick Park shopping center.

User Friendliness = 2
Cleanliness = 2
Privacy = 2
Facilities = 2
Overall Rating = 2

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Miami (Hialeah/Medley/Doral)


Doral® Golf Resort and Spa

Surrounded by green fairways and shimmering water, Doral® Golf Resort and Spa is an oasis of luxury in the South Florida sun. This is home to the famous Blue Monster course and the Doral Ford Open PGA tournament. Ranked by Golf Magazine as one of America's Best Resorts, the magazine also identifies the 18th hole on the Blue Monster as being one of the TOP 100 Holes in the World.

User Friendliness = 4
Cleanliness = 4
Privacy = 4
Facilities = 4
Overall Rating = 4


The Pink Pussycat

This is where we almost died from being roughed up by Russian mafia dudes wanting to kick our ass for taking pictures inside. Tip: Always keep $20 handy when taking pictures inside a strip club. Tip 2: Always crap before going to a strip club.

User Friendliness = 1.5
Cleanliness = 1.5
Privacy = 1.5
Facilities = 1.5
Overall Rating = 1.5


Stonewall

Ok, let me explain this place. A lot of pink neon, glass blocks and migrant farmworkers. Ouch. To make things worse, the crappers are only half stalls! This picture was taken leaning over the stall door! Don't find yourself needing to crap here. In fact, don't go there at all!

User Friendliness = 0
Cleanliness = 0
Privacy = 0
Facilities = 0
Overall Rating = 0

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Miami (Key Biscayne)


Crandon Park Tennis Center

Ms. Gradenko filed this report on the recently completed Nasdaq-100 (formerly Lipton) Tennis Championships held on Key Biscayne, FL.

There are two types of bathroom at the NASDAQ-100 OPEN. The permanent County facilities at the stadium and that of the portable toilet trailers brought in for the tournament. Both bathrooms score high on User Friendliness and Cleanliness. If you had to compare the two, the portable toilets outrank the stadium toilets.

The portable toilets are not your typical port a potty's. These bathrooms were stated of the art with faux granite walls and wood doors. There are pictures hanging on the walls and poulporri in very bathroom. The attendant is always spraying fresh strawberry scent. As far was privacy is concern, with the amount of popularity the tournament is getting, you might be out of luck. Overall the NasDaq-100 was a pleasurable experience for this correspondent.

User Friendliness = 3
Cleanliness = 3
Privacy = 3
Facilities = 3
Overall Rating = 3

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Miami (Little Haiti)

Churchill's Hideaway

This is a remarkable place with horrible food, bad service and warm beer all in a run down building in one of the crappiest parts of town but we still love it. Why? Because they have all of the local alternative rock bands playing there almost every night of the week. They also feature European soccer matches on the satellite. This place is a true Miami legend and was home to us on many a wayward evening during college. Three tips: don't eat the food, don't wander too far and don't crap.

User Friendliness = 1
Cleanliness = 0
Privacy = 1
Facilities = 1
Overall Rating = 1

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Miami (Little Havana)

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Miami (Miami Beach)

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Miami (South Miami Beach)

The Van Dyke Cafe

Located on Lincoln Road, this is a South Beach staple. Owned by the same people as its more famous brother on Ocean Drive (the News Cafe), this restaurant, bar, lounge offers a great menu, cafe seating on Lincoln Road and an upstairs jazz club. The bathroom is located upstairs and is well appointed and private. Handicrapping is accessible by using an elevator.

User Friendliness = 3
Cleanliness = 3.5
Privacy = 3.5
Facilities = 3.5
Overall Rating = 3.5

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