On the Run

In ON THE RUN, you will find articles about crapping experiences from travelers. To submit a story, email us at info@crappersquarterly.com.

The Big Race

I was at the Nascar race at Texas Motor Speedway...unfortunately we had to wake up early in the morning to get there and I had no time to "release" before the long day. So we got there and I suddenly felt a rumble. Oh no! I have easily another 5 hours before I will be home...please don't turn into goo! Well sure enough an hour later I was dying. I knew I had to release this demon...but where? this is a nascar event everyone is drinking so everyone is peeing. The lines even for the mens room were OUT THE DOOR. after 30 minutes of searching I saw it...a handicapped bathroom that fully locked shut with a sliding bar!!!!!!! It had a light shining on it like an angel! I ran towards it.. it was perfect it was clean..had toilet seat covers and plenty of paper. it was a mircale and a disaster was successfully diverted!!!

Attention WalMart Shoppers
by Ogie from Plano

I became rather ill after eating goat cheese salad with a great big banana flavored metamucil milkshake, with added fiber. As if that were not bad enough, my sister had laced my milkshake with Ex-Lax (getting me back for the ex-lax brownies I served her boyfriend).

Well, I was in toys at Walmart when I felt anal slippage. I ran as fast as I could and would have made it in time, but a friendly Walmart shopper was in the only non out-of-order stall. So much for my desired privacy when taking a crapper. I used the sink, and the customers that came after me will find that the cleanliness of my neighborhood Walmart has been seriously compromised!

Stop the Bus!
by Danni in Miami

I was away with girlfriends at summer camp one year and one day we went on a field trip to a park. To get there, we had to take a four hour bus ride each way on a rickety old yellow school bus.

Well, we finally get to the park and me and my friend decide that since we haven't been allowed to eat any junk food at the camp, we are going to eat all the junk food we can at the park. After a few hours of grazing on pizza and brownies it got time to leave. The counselors informed everyone that if they needed to "go" they better do it now since the buses weren't going to stop. Well there was a huge line to use the toilet and I really didn't need to go so I decided to wait until I got back to camp. Big mistake.

About an hour into the trip, I needed to go--bad. All that grease and fudge were building up into a ball that wasn't going to wait. I rushed to the front of the bus and asked the bus driver to stop. He said no and told me to sit down. I spent the next hour begging and pleading with the counselors and bus driver to stop and they all refused. I was being held captive and my crap wasn't going to wait.

By now I was balled over in pain and I made one final desperate plea to stop. Finally, they did and I shuffled off to the toilet in haste. Well the pressure must have gotten to me because - you won't believe this - I couldn't go. I tried and tried but I just couldn't go. I guess all the holding I was doing had compacted things. Well, reluctantly I went back to the bus. My friend asked me if things were ok and I told her that I didn't go.

Well another half hour into the trip it hit me. That's right the flood was coming back. Knowing the bus wouldn't stop again for me I panicked. I told my friend and she said she would cover for me. And then it let loose. I just couldn't hold it anymore and the shit storm began. I crapped myself in a flood of fudge that ran down my legs and down the aisle of the bus. Needless to say, the other people on the bus started freaking out because of the smell. You can imagine the screaching that 60 teenage girls can make faced with a river of crap sloshing in the grooved aisle of the bus.

Well, we finally made it back to camp and needless to say I was mortified to face everybody.

Train in Vain
by Raf in Miami

Late one night on the way home from a bar, my Crap Radar signalled that it was time. Crap Radar is that internal mechanism that allows you to time "holding it" until the last possible moment when you reach home and explode on your toilet. Well on the way home, I timed things just wrong and got caught at the local train tracks just in time for the 12:30 am nightly train. I was .5 miles from my house yet oh so far away as my Crap Radar wouldn't turn off. It was set to a timer and now that time had been altered by the train. Well, I had two choices, my car or the canal next to the road. I chose the canal. As my Crap Radar unleashed its fury I felt tremendous relief. I didn't care that the stack of cars stopped at the train tracks could see me. I simply cleaned up using my boxer shorts, got back in my car and all was well again.

Planet Hollywood to the Rescue in London
by The Mystery Crapper

Having once saved my life in Prague (Czech Republic) in 1997, Planet Hollywood, the campy movie themed restaurant saved the evening again for the Mystery Crapper. It all started with an amazingly tasty red thai curry sauce on breast of duck at Mezzo Restaurant in Picadilly. Mezzo, being a super trendy bar as well as restaurant, was packed to the gills with London's hippest guys and dolls on a Friday night. It was so packed that the Mystery Crapper could not even get to the crapper to do a review. (See Mezzo in the Restroom Reviews section.)

Heading over to the Comedy Store around the block, your correspondent started to feel waves of pain coursing through his bowels. Red thai curry revenge!!! With the early show not out yet the que outside the Comedy Store was long and not due to let in for another 20 minutes. Time for an alternate crapping plan. (See Comedy Store in the England Restroom Reviews section.)

This is when yours truly spied Planet Hollywood across the street. Not ever has an American chain restaurant looked so enticing as it did that moment. With wife in tow, the Mystery Crapper barged past the security at the door, running upstairs and bursting into the crapper only to be faced with--the bathroom attendant.

But no worries. The B.A. quickly pointed to a nice clean stall with a full door, lock, real tiled walls and plenty of wiping material. This was no ordinary crapper.

After a long, painful, burning red thai curry sauce dump or three, your roving reporter now had to face the B.A. Upon seeing me leave the vestibule, he promplty turned on the water and got the soap ready for my convenience. After tipping him a 1 (about $1.70), I invited him to pose for a picture to commemorate the occassion. It can be seen in the England Restroom Review for Planet Hollywood.

Despite the B.A., it was a full Four Roll experience. I think desperation has a little to do with it. My bowels were now cleansed and ready for their next action.

Crapping Emergencies on a Train in Belgium
by The Mystery Crapper

Antwerp, Belgium - One thing about being lactose intollerant is that you know you will always have a dire crapping emergency in the most incovenient of places. Say the train between Antwerp and Brugge in Belgium.

While the track was rushing beneath the wheels, waves of pain began to rush through my bowels as I chugged onward towards adventure. Was it just a passing symptom or was it the real thing? There was only one way to find out.

Having traveled on many trains in Europe, I knew there were great discrepancies in the facilities available. Anywhere from Eastern European trains with no facilities (hang it out the side), or German trains (with a highly engineered crapping apparatus that would make any BMW owner jealous). It was time to find out what the Belgians had in store for me.

The result was quite surprising. It was nice and clean. The problem was finding it. It was so well camoflauged in the space between cars that it took a lot of searching to locate. There weren't even any signs (not that I can read Flemish anyway). Feeling a little like Helen Keller, trying ever knob and handle to see if it held the Holy Grail behind it, I managed to discover the crapping receptacle and delivered my goods.

All in all, it did in a pinch and my day of sightseeing was able to commence without any further crapping emergencies.

A Pakistani in Paris
From CQ's Middle Eastern Correspondent Cheech

For those of you that have ever visited Paris on vacation and taken a tour of the magnificient Versailles Gardens (worth the trip) you will find that thousands and thousands of tourists visit this place all day long.

All public bathrooms in this place are jammed to capacity and taking a crap with a line of people waiting for you to finish can give you stage fright.

I recommend using the bathroom at the restaurant located just across the street from the East side exit of Versailles Gardens. Be careful crossing the street as the Parisian drivers do not stop for anyone.

Once inside the restaurant you must head downstairs and must have 10 francs to open the door. If you do not have the money you will have to come back upstairs again to get change as there is not enough space to crawl under the door.

Although this bathroom is small and has no ventilation, you will get some privacy which is much better than if you were at the Versailles Gardens with all the other tourists all over the world. Your choice, hold your breath for a few minutes versus no privacy ... it's upto you.

I-75 amp; the Sawgrass Expressway - Turnpike of Turds, Causeway of Crap, Beltway of Bowel Movements
From CQ's Middle Eastern Correspondent Cheech

For many of you that take the well known I-75 highway to work in the morning traveling through the rush hour traffic heading south toward 826 from the North, sometimes the long commute with the heavy traffic delays can be burdensome. An extra cup of coffee or some acidic orange juice in the morning can cause you to have a sudden impulse of the immediate need to visit the rest room.

Unfortunately, due to heavy traffic conditions, you could be stuck waiting for more than an hour or so before being able to visit your office restroom. This can cause undue stress and unavoidable sweating into a freshly dry cleaned shirt. A well kept secret for you, however, is a delightful experience at the Hampton Inn on the east side of I-75 off the Sheridan Street exit.

This newly built hotel has plenty of parking when you arrive, and with a quick nod and smile to the reservations desk indicating that you are a paid guest of the hotel will allow you to slip by them toward the lobby restroom located on the south side of the building. This facility can be described as an oversized handicapped rest room for one. It is private, usually clean due to housekeeping services, and has a guaranteed lock for your protection. Additionally, the fan is high powered eliminating most odors.

Once inside, you can stretch out and enjoy yourself with decent hotel toilet paper and the use of your own sink. Additionally, one flush does it all with the supercharged toilet installed. For those travelers, that need to take a load off in the morning heading toward Miami for work, or even on the way back home to Broward, the Hampton Inn is a pleasant place to make a pit stop.

You may want to make mention that if anyone ever needs to stop to take a crap at the bathroom heading southbound on the Sawgrass Expressway at the toll - DON'T. I visited this facility and found a nice large brown turd on the seat. I immediately turned around never to come back again. Advice - get Sunpass and hold it!

Miami Radisson Mart - Variety is the Spice of Life
From CQ's Middle Eastern Correspondent Cheech

One of the best places that I have found to enjoy a 'time-out' is at the Radisson Mart Plaza Hotel located off 836 and Red Road. The main bathroom facility located close to the meeting room area in the back part of the hotel is unimaginable to the naked eye.

Upon entering this very well kept facility, you have the choice of entering one of over 20 stalls lined up on the left side of the bathroom. For those times when you enter a bathroom and hope and pray that no one left a surprise for you in the stall, you now have a choice of going to the next stall without having to clean up after someone else.

Additionally, with the myriad of locations to choose from, you're pretty much guaranteed to have a free stall to your left and right, eliminating the chance of you hearing someone else make their own music. One special consideration for smokers are built in ashtrays on the side of each stall.

Smokers are well aware that a cigarette can give you the extra boost that you are looking for in times when you need a little more power. The restroom is overall very clean especially due to the fact that it is highly traveled during the numerous trade show events that occur at this Hotel.

So for those of you that have never seen 20 stalls lined up next to each, this is a MUST SEE facility for the whole family!

I-95 in Miami - Highway to Hell
From CQ's Middle Eastern Correspondent Cheech

We all know that commuting to work is hell. We also know that there are few more painful moments than feeling that twing in your bowels on the highway when you are still 20 minutes from your exit. Today was just such a day for me.

This was to become a real test of intestinal fortitude. As the pressure mounted, a few ounces of precious perfume began to squeak out adding a fragrant mixture to my leather seats. Pull off to a roadside oasis you say? Not when you are a white man doing 85 mph through the heart of Liberty City. Must ... make ... my ... exit ... Must ... get ... to ... the ... office ...

Upon arriving at the palatial home of my company, parking became the primary concern. Should I risk the handicapped space? Squeak!!! Sphincter don't fail me now. After a ride on the slowest elevator in history, I came to my salvation—the office crapper. Do you work in an office where they lock the toilet? I do. Like someone is going to break in to the office crapper. Now where is the key? Squeak!!!

Finally I found relief as I sat on the bowl and let the incredible flow of funk file from my fat ass. The smell was reminiscent of the greasy pizza and beer from the night before but it was as welcome as an unexpected $20 bill in your front pocket.

Next time I'll check my bowels before I begin.

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