The Poop Card
I went to school
in po-dunk Louisiana, and the closest mall was an hour away. There
wasn't anything between my school and the Alexandria (the city with
the mall). Literally nothing. 45 miles of interstate with no gas
station or anything at all. So you can see, it's important to get
it done before leaving the city.
I was with some
friends and we were leaving the city when we decided to stop at
Sonic on the way out. (BTW, Sonic has inspired me to create another
thread, look for it!). I don't know why, but for some reason I got
a foot long chilidog. Stupid, stupid, stupid. We finish eating and
are leaving town. We hit a bookstore on the way out which gave the
dog time to "ferment." We drove about 15 miles on the interstate
when the contractions began. I knew immediately that we were at
Defcon 3, moving up the scale fast.
My options were
to try to make it another 30 miles (no freakin' way) or turn around
and hit the last gas station about 10 miles back. Obviously I had
to turn around so, despite the grumblings from my friends, I turn
around. As we're heading back I realize that it's going to be close.
So I decide to risk speeding. The limit was 70 and I started pushing
90. As luck would have it a cop saw us and pulled us over.
As he was sitting
in his car behind us I was starting to get the cold sweats. Risking
getting shot, I jump out of the car and start walking towards him.
He tells me to stay at my car. I realize this can't happen and raise
my arms and continue to walk towards him. I shout to him that I've
got an issue here. He comes up to me and asks what the problem is.
I tell him, "Sir, I'm lactose intolerant," (not sure where that
came from) "and I must have eaten some cheese and I'm about to poop
my pants. You're welcome to follow me to the Chevron and write me
a ticket when I'm done but I've got to go now!" I say this as I'm
dancing back and forth in front of him.
He looks me
up and down, pauses, and says, "Go." I ran back to the car and get
in. One friend in the back is shaking his head saying, "no way that
worked, no way that worked." I drive off and the cop escorts me
to the Chevron. I run in, he apparently was convinced that I was
telling the truth and leaves. It's the first (and last) time I've
had a police escort to use the bathroom.
I didn't learn from this experience. Weeks later I was returning
from visiting my girlfriend at her school when I was pulled over.
The first thing the officer asked me was if I had some kind of medical
emergency. I said, "no" and got a ticket. Should've played the poop
card again. .