Tales From the Crapper - Bordello of
by Dr. Svinktor
It was a good day. It was my birthday. I had to
take a crap. Badly.
My folks were in town and we were all at the mall.
After strolling from store to store looking for that perfect shirt,
we settled in at the Gap. And then it happened. It was just a small
tremor at first, but quickly gained momentum and became a powerful
spasm. My bowels were twisting and quivering as if a 9.4 earthquake
were ripping through my intestines. I had to act fast.
the excruciating pain was causing my toes to curl, I was able to
maintain my composure and casually mention to my parents that a
trip to the restroom was now in order. Yes, right now. We leisurely
went in search of a men's room while the pressure in my colon continued
to build at an alarming rate. The harder I clenched, the higher
the pressure rose. It soon became a battle of sheer will. Mind over
matter - fecal matter, that is.
As I looked at the happy shoppers milling about,
I wondered if any of them could comprehend the magnitude of the
war being waged right in front of them. And there it was - like
a beacon of hope shining in the darkest night of doom. The Food
Court. Certainly my deliverance could not be far now! And, yes,
the most beautiful sight my now clouded eyes had ever seen arose
before me - The Men's Room.
My heart raced in anticipation. My pace quickened
as I left my parents far behind to enter the room where all would
be good again. The place where pain would be replaced by intense
relief and the pungent, bitter-sweet odor of victory. The echoes
from my footsteps on the cold tiles was music to my ears. And, alas,
the gods of defecation were smiling upon me this day - I was alone!
The entire pleasure palace was mine to command, and mine alone.
I quickly assessed the stall situation and chose
the cleanest one. I tore my pants down to my ankles and barely got
my boxers away from the pressure release valve before all Hell broke
loose. The sounds of my success resounded throughout the Place of
Porcelain and I nearly passed out from the intense pressure change
within my body cavity. I painted the porcelain like Picasso, using
both wide and narrow strokes as I utilized every available color
from my pallette of poop. As I lost myself in my strategic plannings
of how I could best utilize the available toilet paper on this mess,
the hinges of the bathroom door creaked loudly and an unknown form
entered my domain. Good timing, I thought, as I finished calculating
the number of rools of TP I needed to complete the task at hand.
And then I heard something very puzzling at the
far end of The Room. It sounded like a splash of liquid on the floor.
Perhaps he spilled a cup of coffee? There it was again. The splash.
What the - there it went again - and it was getting closer!!! Splash!!!
And now the horrfic scent of bleach filled the air! It had to be
the janitor coming to clean the bathroom. SPLASH! Just two stalls
down and coming this way!!
I fidgeted, tried to make sounds to let this insane
assailant know I was there. SPLASH!! Right next door! I could see
the bleach eating through the film of filth on the floor of the
stall next to me. I tried to cough but the fear locked my throat.
There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide!! My eyes widened in sheer
terror and my heart nearly exploded from my chest as the cup of
bleach entered my Sacred Space with its acrid stink and its burning
mass and splashed all over my shoes!!
I was paralyzed. Would I spend the rest of my life
here? Is this how it ends? Suddenly a gruff voice interupted my
musings with a blunt, "Sorry". It was the janitor who realized what
he had done. The Splash now sounded to my left and contined moving
away while I put the finishing touches on the paperwork.
As I dressed, I could see the mop head invading
the stalls one by one like a crazed rapist and decided it was time
to leave. I quickly washed up as the startled Janitor busied himself
with his work. I opened the door and the burst of fresh air made
my dizzy as I made my way back to my parents.
If you catch me on a good day and I'm feeling extra
neighborly, I just may show you the bleach stains on my shoes.....