Glossary of Turds

Enjoy our glossary of the World's Longest List of Turd Terms and crapping terminology and submit your own to share with millions of crappers around the world. Many new Turds come from our devoted readers!! Don't miss out on your chance to participate!!! And make sure to see the Rejects at the bottom of the page.


Al Gore - Stiff and forced. Keep it in a lock box for safe keeping.
Anonymous Donor - You never know when or where you encounter this shape shifting gem. It is what society needs more of—givers.
Apollo 13 - Houston, we have a problem! Launch this rocket-shaped crap into outerspace and pray your ass doesn't burn up on re-entry!
Armagedon - When you are Dropping a Deuce so big and wide that you think its the end of the world.
Arnold - When flushed you can hear it yell "I"ll BE BACK"!
Aromatherapy - Why is the wallpaper curling off? Do NOT go in there!
Atomic Bomb - A squirty shit phart so loud that your whole house blows up and an eternel stench is on u for eternity. Think on the bright side...no school for a while!!!
Baby's Arm - Looks like a babies arm.
Barbarians at the Gate - Hold on for dear life as you barely make the rim!
Barbershop - A poop so thick and mighty that it jack lifts you off the toilet seat like a barbershop chair.
Bath Bomb - The force of the turd is so great it not only splashes your ass but hits your face.
Battle of the Bulge - You swear you have a 2 foot log pushed from your opening but still it bulges forth without dropping. Grap a weapon, stand a post, and wage the Battle of the Bulge!
Beer Fudge - For all you poo, this crap's for you. Anheuser Busch meets Godiva in this messy sludge match.
Bidet - Lands just right to wash you out afterwards.
Big Bertha - Bite down on a wooden spoon, keep pushing and know the feeling of child birth!
Birthing - Push! Breath! Push! Breath! Congratulations, it's a - crap!? Four hours of labor well spent.
Black Friday - The Shopper's Holiday, when every thanksgiving meal rears its ugly head in the store of your choosing, get there early and get in line!
Blow Mud - 50% liquid-50% forced gas renders toilet in a spackled texture coating.
Bomb Run to Berlin (BTB) - This can differ from lots of pebble dashers to a few Boston Danglers (see below) and when the time comes and you drop your load, you won't want to be anywhere near it.
Boston Dangler - It just won't let go, and has to be removed with a big length of toilet paper so as not to get one's hands brown.
Boulder - The type of turd that stretches your poor asshole to the maximum capacity and sometimes further. Comes out as the roundest, hardest ball that is so heavy that when it hits the water it's a massive tidal wave that hits it's former home. Wipe Out!
Bowel Matrix: Reloaded - $250 million in special effects can't change the fact that it is still simply crap.
Break Off - When it breaks off and your left with a chunk of it between your cheeks, causing you to either wiggle it free, or if really desperate, get a handful of paper, and scoop it out, evoking memories of using clay in art class at high school.
British Royals - We all know that the Royals are a tight ass bunch. This is true both sociologically and anatomically. They are soo tight assed that their sphincter muscles are flexed to the maximum, thus preventing the accidental release of air. “However, after a Royal Pig out on Bangers and Mash” I am told by the Royal Potty Porter “the Royals quietly disappear to the Royal Loos for rides on the Royal Ivory Ponies”. Seated in correct and proper Royal Posture the ritual of a Royal Poop commences. Back to the Bangers and Mash. Apparently, B & M upon entering the Royal Belly sets off a chemical reaction similar to methane production in a garbage dump. Such chemistry creates a massive if not exponential build up of gas based pressure. Pressure, as we all know, is a scalar quantity, not a vector quantity. It has a magnitude but no direction associated with it. However, Royal Pressure whilst in the Royal Potty Position and on the Royal Ivory Pony, when coupled with a tightly contricted sphincter, pressure becomes directional. It all starts with a high frequency sound as flatulence forces its way to freedom. Then, at once, firkin lift off. The Royal Sphincter gives way and the Royal Arse fires several rounds, in stucatto fashion, not unlike rapid fire from a double barrel shotgun and kills the Royal Ivory Pony. The Royal sphincter flapping wildly during this barrage immediately shuts closed like a trap door and the Royal delightfully utters “yes, quite well done I’d say’.
Britney Spears - It may be pretty, but MAN does it STINK!
Brown Bomb Waterworld - When you drop a bunch of little "splashers".
Buffy - Small little pellets that smell like brie and Wine Coolers. Perfect for the country club or the wine and cheese soiree. (See Biff).
Bum Cigar
Bunker Buster - Penetrates deep into the bowl before exploding and taking out all life forms.
Butt Nugget Blizzard - An oblivious storm of dinkleberries everywhere you'll like the blizzard of 1888. You'll need 2 bowls for this one ass patty asteroid when its a whole bunch of turds combined followed by aftershock of serious liquid butt juice like freakin armagedeon.
Cajun Butt - Jambalaya, Crawfish, Oysters, Red Beans and Rice, lots of alcohol. Shaken not Stirred. Comes out kind of green and lumpy like a drug induced road trip to New Orleans. Need we say more?
Charles Barkley - This is a round mound that rebounds.
Cheech - Careful, this one is likely to end up on your bathroom floor after a drunken night out!! Sssshhh. Don't tell your roommate.
Chernobyl - This tragic disaster can sound like a cross between an angry russian yelling expletives and a neclear explosion. Characteristics include a burning sensation like the fires if hades, a greenish glow, and an unusually pungent "burnt rubber" smell. Warning - this type of turd abomination is known to cause birth defects.
Chocolate Taffy - Ooey, gooey, thick and sticky. Get the sandblaster - paper won't make a dent in this mess.
Clean Sweep - Nothing compares to the ecstasy of a satisfying dump without a lengthy, messy clean up.
Clencher - You got to push so hard to get this one out, you grab the sides of the toilet seat to help you hang on!
Cliffhanger - Can't shake this pesky critter.
Cloud 9 - When you've got a full tank and you finally have the opportunity to release this spawn, it goes out so easy. No pain, lots of gain.
Code Brown - Used when a "cleanup" is needed at a place of business.
Coil - So that's what my intestines are shaped like!
Colon Bowel - Trying to stop ass sponsored terrorism. All negotiations are off.
Concerto - Such beautiful music accompanying your efforts!
Cotton Picker - Pokes out and gives your pants a kiss right on the seam, leaving a nice stain behind.
Count Crapula - This blood-sucking crap requires the darkness of night to be brought forth from its coffin of the damned.
Countdown - When your ass sends a message to your brain "You have 30 seconds to find a bathroom....29.....28....27...(etc)." Causing you to
hold your ass cheeks together so tight while running to the nearest toilet that the first few turds are actually diamonds. This is usually following a bran muffin and coffee the morning after a night of heavy drinking.
Crap el de Tour - When you pinch a loaf so big at any public restroom on a trip in the middle of a jungle everyone stops and takes pictures and says oohh ahhhh.
Crapenstein - Hook some electrodes to this crap and scream, "It's Alive!" as it rises from the murky water to terrorize the townsfolk. Grab the flaming torches and pitchforks!
Crapparazzi - When your crap is so interesting that you are compelled to take pictures of it and sell them to the tabloids.
Crappucino - It requires a very special mix of gas and liquid dung.
Croc Hunter - Agonising turd that originates from "Down Under" and is a big enough pain in the ass to make you cry "Crikey" as you snap it off.
Crop Duster - A fine mist is suddenly expelled to dust the entire bowl and water surface with a thin layer of crap. Looks like another bumper crap, I mean crop.
Crunchberry - A three day dingleberry that you didn't find the last time you took a dump. Now you can't even get it off with a spatula.
Cujo - Your ass foams like it's rabid. Usually at the end of a hot loose one.
Curler - You look down between your legs and it is looking back at you.
Daily Double - With a smooth stallion out of the chute another comes out of nowhere and they're off!!!! Two for the price of one! And an easy cleanup to boot!
Dairy Queen or DQ - This one wraps around the inside of the bowl like a DQ Blizzard.
Daisy Cutter - The latest in high-tech warfare, this powerful bomb will spray shrapnel all over the bowl ensuring that there are no survivors.
Dam Buster - Bounces on the water and leaves a nice skid mark on the porcelyn.
David & Goliath - A small pellet followed by a massive log of biblical proportions!
Dead Man Walking - When you're walking home and you get a turtle head. Still about a mile from your house, but you can't hold on any longer! What WILL you do? You know that running will simply dislodge it into your underwear, but walking won't get you home fast enough!
Dead Otter - A stool of immense proportions.
Deploy the Troops!
Depth Charge - Also known as "wet cheeks" or "power dump". It comes out of your ass so fast that your bum cheeks get splashed with the toilet water. Is it some kind of poo revenge?
Die Hard - 3 flushes later and it's still staring up at you with that silly grin... Do you expect me to flush? No, Mr. Turd, I expect you to die!!!
Disembark Passengers - The voyage is over. Time to disembark.
Dishonourable Discharge - The stench emitted from this, if produced at the workplace could see you receive the sack, or court martial.
Dominant One - Giant one that offers much resistance and leaves you feeling like a million lira afterward.
Dominate One - Giant one that offers no resistance and leaves you feeling like a million bucks afterward.
Don't Be Sad, This Isn't Goodbye - The poo that comes after eating corn. Don't be sad about eating that last delicious kernel of corn. It will miraculously appear in your stool later unharmed!
Dookie Magic-Shell - The name is taken from a popular lice cream chocolate topping that hardens upon contact with ice cream. A rare occurrence whereby oils or waxes incorporated in food products are liquid at body temperature but solidify upon contact with cool latrine water forming a translucent floating solid shell or mat. This happened to one CQ reader after eating several Tagalong Girl Scout Cookies. One hypothesis suggests the substance causing this phenomenon is an oil or wax used to allow even distribution of the cookie’s chocolate coating.
Drop a Deuce - It's simple but effective. Deuce obviously refers to a Number 2 if you are blonde and dont understand.
Drop The Chalupa - Usually happens when there is no restroom in sight.
Drowning Chocolate Slugs
Duke - It's tough, rugged and makes you walk funny, Pilgrim.
Earthquake - When you take a Shit and it is so thick and lumpy it cracks open your ass farther than ever.
El Rancho Grande - Or should we say, El Crappo Grande. Inspired by that favorite Mexican restaurant that you keep going back to even though there is hell to pay later. (Location: Lincoln Rd. and Penn Ave. on South Beach)
Elvis' Leg - The onset of leg and hip shaking during a live performance of defecating, Often accompanied by an "Uh-huh-huh' vocalisation and involuntary curling of the lip!
Einstein - Comes out with suffecient mass, inertia, and speed to move you sideways in time (usually after two bannanas and a strong cup of coffee).
Energizer - It keeps going and going and going!!
Excalibur - You try to flush it but the lady of the lake just keeps holding on.
Fifty Thousand Watt Blowtorch - Famous among night radio DJ's who live on cold pizza and Taco Bell. Covers 12 surrounding states, interferes with local TV reception and can be heard everywhere!
Fisherman's Bingo - A funfilled game where you keep score of floaters and sinkers. Finally something for those bass fishing and nascar fans to be good at.
Floater - Unsinkable. Usually requires multiple flushes.
Fonz - So slick you don't even have to wipe. Eeeeeehhhhhh!
Food Baby - Thus it was overheard: ARRRGGH! MY FOOD BABY'S HEAD IS CROWNING!
Fools Gold - This one's been brewing all day and when you finally have the opportunity to exorcise this demon seed, you feel like you've just dropped a bomb comparable to Nagaski. But when you go to relish in your victory, all you see are the nuggets.
Francis Ford Crappolla - The Godfather of all craps!
Friday the 13th - No matter how many times you flush it, it just keeps coming back.
Friendly Fire - Pieces-parts o' poo that riccochet off of the porcelain and back at the mothership.
Funky Butt Strut - Dance created on the way to the kitchen for a paper towel cuz there's no TP.
Gambler - There's no TP. You gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em.
Gangsta - It's hard, black and mean.
Genghis Khan's Revenge - This is what happens soon after over eating at your favorite all you can eat chinese buffet. This powerful conquerer can appear in many forms and without warning, making this type of off loading one of the most feared of all time.
George Foreman - It's a lean mean stinking machine.
Get My Brown On - When alerting others to my impending crapulence.
Ghost Turd - After you crap, you wipe your butt and NO evidence of crapping (skidmarks) is on the toilet paper!
Giblet Gravy - Created when the excessive indulgence of alcohol causes a splattered release of a fermented, fecal, broth that appears to include parts of your internal organs.
Ginger - Big, red and curvy.
Godfather - Just when you think you're out, it pulls you back in!
Golly Wobbles - When the urge hits you all of a sudden and you say "Oh Golly!" then try to run to the bathroom while pinching your butt-cheeks together and it makes you wobble.
Gooey Pooey - Has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe twelve times and you still don't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in you underwear, so that you don't stain it. Leaves permanent skid marks on the toilet.
Grafiti Artist - Tag the bowl with your ass spray.
Grant's Tomb - This crap seems to have been dead and entombed for centuries. What evil force has brought it back to life! At last we have the answer to the age old question.
Greaser - Usually on a hot summers day. Slips out like a log on a waterfall.
Great Pyramid - This dutiful doody is a marvel for all to behold. Its construction is a mystery. It is easy to distinguish by its shape and pointed top which peaks above the water line. This is a requirement for classification of greater. Lesser pyramids peak below water level and are of lesser significance.
Green Ghost - So scary..... , must drink several glasses of grape kool-aid to awaken the Green Ghost.
Green Hornet - You know you had way too many peas.
Greybeard - That is when your underpants threads cling to the log and it looks like its bearded.
Groundhoggin' - If it comes out of its hole its going to be an early dash for the toilet. Puxatony Phil has met his match.
Growing a Tail - Youíve been incubating this one all day. Now itís finally here! Get that tape measure ready! As in ďIíve been growing a tail all day!Ē
Gymnauseum - After working out and running on the treadmill and stairmaster this one is all churned up and ready to work you out.
Hanger - A turd that hangs half in, half out your ass until you want to grab the dental floss for easy clean cut relief.
Hangman's Noose - A turd that hangs half in, half out your ass.
Harley - Looks tough but just makes a lot of fuss and noise. Probably trying to compensate for having a small penis.
Heave a Havana - May need a cigar clipper with this brute.
Herdin' Water Buffalo - The water is brown from the partial liquid poo you forced out, while the remainder floats around with their brown backs stickin out like water buffalo in a dirty river.
Hershey Squirts - Uncontrollable diarrhea.
Hiroshima - When your ass explodes, oibliterating the porcelyn below. Usually at worst when suffering from food poisoning.
Hobo's Trail Mix - This spectacular nugget consists of corn, peanuts and good old fashioned fudge.One of these treats will keep a panhandler up and kicking till dawn. Available at most gas stations.
Holy Crap - Pure perfection and God's blessing.
Holy Trinity - The father, the son and the holy ghost...massive yule log, followed by a pebble, followed by a release of gas. Bless yourself and wipe up.
Horses at the Gate - Hold on for dear life as you barely make the rim!
Hot Dog with Ketchup - Bloody mess. Call the doctor.
Hotel California - It could check out any time it likes, but it never leaves.
Hugh Grant - It just sits there smiling at you annoyingly, and when you think you have flushed it for good, it comes right back up, again and again. See also Jude Law.
Hung Chow - The stiky mess you get from Chinese food.
Hungry Catepillar - So hard and wide that to remove it painlessly you must open your asshole briefly, letting it out in segments.
Hunt for Brown October - The act of seeking out and destroying a U-Bend U-Boat.
Indian Vindaloo Poo (A.K.A. Red-Ring Special) - Just as hot going out as it is going in. The second your cheeks touch the seat your ass goes down for a drink.
Inmate - It may be locked away for good, pray the parole board rules in your favor!
Intellectual Poo - Before heading to the bathroom you grab the heaviest book on the shelf since you know this where your going to be spending the next hour or so.
Ireland Isle - A greenish mass of reprocessed corn beef and cabbage with a nose of Guinness and peat moss that sounds like a screaming leprechaun as it exits your butt hole, followed by a sigh of "Jasus that was grand indeed was it not!" AKA The Irish, Emerald Isle, Irish Eyes Are Smilin'
IRS Audit - You had a hard labor, and gave birth to a 9 lb turd. So you named it, and claimed it as a dependent.
It's a Boy!
Jack-in-the-Box - When you think you're done with that sucker, you lower your hand to wipe and it comes out unexepectedly, covering your hand.
James Brown - Feels good, so good, I've dropped you!
Jed Clampett - Down from the pot came a bubbling crude.
James Dean - A turd so sly, slick, and rebellious that he refuses to follow his little friends down the toilet.
Jesse Jackson - Hickory dickory dock, this one goes over like a rock.
Jude Law - It just sits there smiling at you annoyingly, and when you think you have flushed it for good, it comes right back up, again and again. See also Hugh Grant.
Kahoona Mudslide - Smooth going down with a little bit of zip.
KFC (Kentucky Fried Crap) - Featuring 11 herbs and spices. Original or hot and spicy?
Kid Rock - Like passing a brick wearing a blonde wig and a derby, it's as painful as being forced to listen to Kid Rock singing and playing country riffs for eternity.
King Canute - a huge turd that blocks the bend and holds back the tide of flush, causing the toilet to overflow!
King Crimson - Bright red and definitely funky.
King Kong's Finger - A turd big enough to flatten a car.
Klingon - No amount of butt wobbling or cheek slamming can dislodge this determined brown alien.
Last Port o Call - See a friend off to sea.
Leave One on the Front Porch - When you leave a steamer on the lid.
Leave One on the Pitch - When you leave a steamer on the seat.
Lincoln Logs - When they stack up so nice and uniformly in the potty, you want to save it as an example.
Liquidity - Yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, splatters all over the inside of the toilet bowl, the whole time chronically burning your tender anus.
Loose Change - A crap so out of the oridinary, that its not quite a brick, but not quite liquid. All you have is the loose change.
Making Gravy - Term for a particularly wet poop.
Marathon Man - You have the runs all day and never quits.
Martha Stewart - When you end up decorating the entire bowl with feces.
Matchbox - A turd of normal girth but such extraordinary hardness and uneven surface that it feels like your crapping a little toy firetruck.
McDonalds Mens Room Special - You've been saving this one all week since you bought that burger with the chicken beak in it, but the toilets are so badly clogged already that you can't park you arse anywhere to let it out. You end up in hospital with a vacuum cleaner in your rectum.
McShit - Visiting the bogs in a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food. If challenged by a suspicious manager, the assurance of a food purchase after toilet visit is known as a “McShit with lies”.
McShit With Lies - If challenged by a suspicious manager at a fast food restaurant, the assurance of a food purchase after toilet visit.
Mission Accomplished - Upon completeing defecation, wiping, pulling pants up, and stating "mission accomplished", a sudden feeling in the chamber of horrors, of a job only half done.
Mission Impossible - It's lodged in there for good. Even Tom Cruise couldn't blast his way out!
Mister Bojangles - You have to do an old soft shoe routine to shake this one loose.

Money Train - When you bend over to pick up a coin on the ground and a huge turd flies out at an unbelievable speed.

Moody Doody - You feel the crap of a lifetime coming on. You reach the toilet and push out a b.b pellet at best.
Mud Shark - This formidible bowel is feared by tidy bowl men everywhere. It is slippery, stinks and is a good swimmer. This water loaf circles the bowl in search of prey as its fin floats around above water. Wipe quick, this one's got a bite.
Mudslide - Too much Mexican food? Hang on to the seat and make sure your insurance is up to date.
NASDAQ - Your assets are tumbling out of control. Much paperwork awaits the end of this session.
Neo - Like Keanu Reeves, it's stiff and painful to watch.
Neptune's Kiss - When you've dropped your payload and recieve a wet kiss from king neptune himself, AKA a bit of splashback!
Nightmare on the Toilet Seat - You must be dreaming 'cause you've never experience this kind of pain while awake.
Nine Inch Nail - "Head like a hole, Black as your soul, I would rather die than give you control!"...... My apologies to Trent Reznor....(perhaps this is what the song was really about?)
Oliver Twist - So jagged and nutty that it must be manouvered out with careful ass cheek movements.
Ol' Poo Eyes - This one croons out and can bring a tear to your eye. Usually after a good nite of drinking, you look deep into the bowl and can see old poo eyes...
Oompa Loompa - This ageless classic will present a riddle for you as its odd shaped and hypnotic sounds set your mind in a daze as you watch them play in the chocolate pools almost like a ballet.
Osama Bin Laden - An ugly little bastard that keeps showing an hiding its self in your ass. Where'd the slippery little bugger go? Goes missing without a trace.
Oscar Award - A lovely golden turd, upon delivery it will leave a tear in your eye and anyone in the trap next to you.
Paella Butt - All that good Cuban food goes in and greasy, nasty and smelly shit comes out.
Paper Peeler - That after meal explosion that peels wall paper, brings tears to your eyes and clears out a bathroom for an hour. It defies any air freshener.
Paper Trail - 5 rolls later, and there's still evidence - brother, can you spare a square?
Part My Hair
Pate De Fois Gray - Fluffy gray soup which is unpleasant to pass and smell, and will disgust even the culprit, who with a normal poo would be accustomed to the smell and would not notice.
Pat Sajak - Would you like to buy a bowel?
Pencil Turd - So pointy, you could keep your golf score with it!
Periscope - Stands up in the toilet to peek out!
Phantom - You know it came out, but you don't see it in the bowl!
Pillow Biter - Makes you wonder what this reader was thinking about?
Pink Floyd - What you name your poop when you force it out with so much force that part of your intestine comes out with it.
Pirate Poop - When you have a turtle head so bad you can actually use it as an extra leg to hobble around on.
Place an Order with Mr. Softee - Nice and smooth one that spirals around the bowl.
Plug - One that you have been holding all day, and when it finally comes out you drop a stone cold rock followed by a rush of liquid fire!!!!! Holding turd too long can harden doodie and when the dam opens all hell breaks loose!!!
Poker Player - You are wondering what the other guy's got in the seat next to you as he rips one out after another and seems to be straining painfully as the air hangs around you like a bad suit. Can only be played in public restrooms.
Pop A Vein In Your Forehead - This is the kind of poo that killed Elvis! It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard!!!
Poop-casso - After you flush, the work of art left on the bottom of the bowl is awe-inspiring and after your death will draw many admirers.
Power Lifter - So dry and clogged from too much MetRx that you moan and groan at the top of your lungs as you try to clean and jerk this monster.
Prariedoggin' - When your turd is popping in and out of your schpincter, like a large furry rodent avoiding aerial predators.
Prison Turd - It's Big, Black, Muscular, and stretches your asshole until you get more crack than Harlem.
Punxsutawney Poop - A turd that is slowly creeping out, see's it shadow and slithers back up. Six more weeks of constipation!!!
Python - When your turd is so long you don't know whether to flush it or whack it with a shovel.
Regis - Is that your final squeeze?
Reporting for Duty - Upon finding a suitable trap, drop trousers, present your ass to the bowl and salute, exclaiming "Reporting for Doody", and then deliver something smooth, slick with a good bit of hair.
Reverse Triathalon - Your cycling as fast as you can, then you sprint to the bowl and drop your "runs" into the water.
Riding the Clutch - The hovering state between releasing the pace car and making skidmarks in ones pants.
Ritchie Cunningham - So clean you don't even have to wipe but you do anyway.
Ronny Turtle - A lumpy turd full of vedge. This clenses your arse upon contact with the bog.
Sabado Gigante - All you Spanish speakers out there know what we're talking about. Don't mess with Don Francisco. Usage: I need to take a Sabado Gigante.
Saddam's Revenge - The hunt for WMD - weapon of mass defecation - so bad is that smell that it leaves an aftertaste in your mouth for hours. The only way to get rid of it is to go walk around goat feces at the petting zoo.
San Loco - Inspired by the bowel cleansing experience from eating too many fish tacos with stupid sauce. (Location: Washington Ave. and 14th Street on South Beach)
S.A.S. - Deploys into the realm of the toilet, and disappears without trace.
Seatbelt - When you know it will come with such a force that you have to buckle up first.
Second Thoughts - You're all done wiping and you're about to stand up when you realize...... you've got some more.
Sediment - The gravel left at the bottom of the bowl when one flush just isn't enough.
Set to Sail - The jib and mainsail are hoisted. Time to launch.
Shaker - Feel it cling, feel it grip, shake your booty and give it the slip!
Shiss - Usually only when you were way "over-served" the nite before or are getting sick, but when you sit down to shit and its so runny that you
essentially piss outta your ass.
Short Term Lease
Shotgun Mystery - This usually happens at work, not by you but by one of your co-workers. Everytime you need to use the toilet there has been a spray of pellets and shrapnel on the bowl. Damned if you can find the culpret though!
Showpiece - A poo so funny in shape or so large that you have to let someone else see it before you flush it away!
Shrapnel - Ever had to wipe your entire ass afterwards? Pieces-parts o' poo that riccochet off of the porcelain and back at the mothership.
Silk - When you get a good size turd that comes out in one smooth push. There is no turtle, minimal splash if any and you don't use half a role of paper cleaning up after you're done.
Simu-Turd or Simu-Dump - You think you have to go but don't.
Sir Dumps Alot - I take big dumps and I cannot lie. A funky odor I will not deny. When you see me heading for the bathroom door, brothers just move aside.
Sizzler - Hot! Hot! Hot! Lay off the Tabasco and Jalapenos, dude.
Sleeper - Will it ever end? Hand me a pillow and check back in an hour.
Slim Fast - You lose ten pounds in 30 seconds. Caution, rapid weight loss may cause dizziness!
Smurf Butt - In porto dukers the force of the turd is so great the blue liquid splashes all over staining your butt.
Snake - When your turd is so long you don't know whether to flush it or whack it with a shovel.
Snake Charmer - It wraps around the bowl so many times you'll need a flute to charm this one down.
Soft Serve - Swirled up like a chocolate ice cream treat.
Southern Gent - After encountering this pile alls you can say is "howdy doo".
Spanish Omelet - A bowl splattering Mexican meal from the previous night mixed with several cervesas. Sure to cover the bowl and half way up your back.
Spray Paint - Sprays out as quick as lightning... and you can TRULY leave your mark on an overpass!
Spread - Hurry..... Call an ambulace, tell them to bring the jaws of life, this baby doesn't want to come out!
Stand and Deliver - Your bowels are so crammed, any attempt at sitting down causes excruciating pain. Getting rid of this mega-grogan cleanly requires extraordinary balance and aim.
Steam Cannon - This is the poop that is slightly larger than the exit orafice and round in shape wether it be sphearical or cylindrical. It is a tricky poop indeed as it makes you think you have a massive job ahead of you. Namely replacing the toilet due to the large hole the projectile made during expulsion, or the shower you will have to take after you receive the biggest kiss from neptune you have ever gotten. The kind you would have liked to have neptune meet your parents first before administering.
St. Elmo's Fire - That chili pepper is hotter coming out than going in! Caution - don't use water to put out a grease fire!!
Stocking the Pond with Brown Trout
Stunner - So intense you sit for an hour after you're done.
Sunbathing Snake - A unit so massive, that it's tail disappears into the drain, and it's head rests lazily on the "beach" (dry porcelain).
Swim Test - The ones that don't "swim" (float) will "drown" (sink), therefore, not passing the swim test!
Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl
Tax Deduction - This is far and away your greatest write off. Might want to keep this one handy in case you are ever audited concerning your charitable donations. (See Write Off).
Teflon Coated Turd - Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't even feel it. No trace of poo on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet to be sure you did it!
Telephone Pole - It's the length of a telephone pole, goes on for miles until the end when you get to the agonizing cross ties. Some die from this.
Temptress - She's bitter and evil. She lures you in with false hope then smashes you down like the dog you are. You wait hoping for release but it never comes.
Ten Pound Baby Brown - Congratulations! You just became the proud father of a ten pound child. Lot of sweating and pushing, leading to mental and physical exaustion. This turd was so big and such a workout that no woman can ever tell you that you have no idea what it's like to give birth.
Time Eater - You swear you've been sitting there for an hour just squeezing the damn thing out, and its STILL oozing out!!!
Touching Cloth - When a turd pokes its head out and hits your underwear.
Touch Down - Letting Mr Brown touch the water before "biting" it off and letting it swim.
Trinity - The father, the son and the holy ghost...massive yule log, followed by a pebble, followed by a release of gas. Bless yourself and wipe up.
Trophy - A poo so funny in shape or so large that you decide to have it stuffed and mounted for display on the mantlepiece.
Turdish Bath - Its created when water-logged dingle-berries are dislodged into the currents of a luxurious, swirling bathtub.
Turtle Head - Where the poo is hangin outta your ass like a turtles head out of a shell! The little turd is touching your gruds!
UFO (Unidentified Floating Object) - You could swear on your life that you didn't eat anything resembling what has popped out the other end.
Upper Deck - When Your Friend Or Neighbor pisses you off so bad, you use their bathroom and leave one in the top part of the tank. No matter how many times they flush, the essence remains.
Urkel - Did I do that?
Vietnamese Banana Split - This dessert is gonna cause all kinds of hell! It's quite easy make, but ya gonna need have to eat a lot of Vietnamese food. Your main ingredient is a nice 6 inch. Follow by some chocolate syrup-aka "diareah". Then you can decorate it any way you like. I especially like mine with corn!!!!
Waterfall - A poo so runny that when your friends are in the other room it sounds like you are washing you hands.
Water Loaf - Spongy and floating.
Windows XP - A very unreliable turd, it can be sitting minding it's own business one minute, and sitting in your boxers the next.
Wishing Well - You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times. You hope and pray but no poo.
WMD (Weapon of Ass Destruction) - GW's favorite lump can be in a variety of forms. Usually ASSociated with hemerhoids. Over doing the pumpkin seeds is also a known contributer. If the inspectors can't find who left this bloody pile you can usually spot who dropped it by their pained anemic look.
WMD (Weapon of Mass Defecation) - This is really what Saddam was hiding - crap.
Write Off - This is far and away your greatest tax deduction. Might want to keep this one handy in case you are ever audited concerning your charitable donations. (See Tax Deduction)
Yao Ming - Big, massive, and makes you kind of slant eyed.

Glossary Rejects
Ayatollah - Prayerful pooties that rails all the way down.
Baby Ruth - This s*** comes out you look down and say s*** there's my babyruth from earlier.
Beat Up A Young Girl Guide or Throttle a Brownie
Beer Can - When its about as wide as it is long, and feels like your passing a beer can through your ass!
Crappe de Creme - We know what you were doing last nite. "Stop it, you big silly!"
Donut - Friend of The "Crappe de Creme" again "stop it you big silly...oh be nice"
Drug Smuggler - Dozens of small, hard, pellet-shaped craps drop into the bowl. Not even the drug-sniffing dogs will come near this bust!
Hershey Squirts - Milk chocolate smooth.
I have one name for all my turds HOT CARLS.
Monkey Butt - When you've had the runs and your butt is sore like a baboon's!
Ramstein Air Force Base - You think everything is going well when bang!! Disaster strikes and you spend all day cleaning up the mess.
Square Blocks - What fudge packers poop.
Subway - Small turd that gets compressed on your ride home on the subway and dives to the bottom rapidly after launch.


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