Review our guidelines for courteous crapping and
rush up on your crapping skills. First, there are some basic skills
that need to be refined before you can become a gentleman crapper.
Skills Development (Pre Crapping)
This is a critical skill that will give you
the vital preliminary information to quickly analyze the crapping
situation, complete a needs/risk assessment, develop crapping scenarios,
select a plan of action and begin implementation. There are two
phases of the scouting step to be masteredthe external glance
and the internal glance.
The external glance is applicable for both commercial
and residential use. To execute a proper external glance, bring
a combination of auditory, olfactory and visual senses to bear on
the situation. Check hallways and passageways to determine any potential
external signs of current usage and/or upcoming usage by unwelcome
fellow employees or party guests. This can become even more critical
in social setttings when there is only one unisex facility available.
The internal glance is more for public facilities
with multiple stalls but is important in all situations. This is
where you must acertain if the facility is occupied, clean or stocked
with the necessary supplies for your upcoming delivery (toilet paper,
paper towels, soap, perfume or other sprayable scent, water, etc.).
It is important to make sure that you have all of the tools for
a successful crap.
Needs Assessment - Risk v. Reward
This is most critical when dealing with social
situations, especially if there is someone of the opposite sex around
who would not be impressed with poor crapping performances. In this
step, you must plug in the information from your scouting and examine
the variables. This is the risk and reward stage. How bad do you
have to go versus what is the potential for long-term embarassment
from friends, family or co-workers. By determining your need, you
can then develop crapping scenarios that will allow you to fulfill
your mission. Note: Remember, you don't want to be blamed for a
foul crap that you didn't make.
Wearing the proper clothing and footware for
crapping is just as important as crapping itself. Skilled crappers
wear clothing that is loose fitting so as not to put any extra pressure
on the digestive system thereby preventing premature crapping emergencies.
Clothing that is easy to remove is important also, especially if
you eat foods that generate crapping emergencies. In addition, skilled
crappers wear undistinguishable footwear so others will not be able
to make positive identifications by looking at the shoes under the
stall. Note: Serious crappers always wear underwear so that if they
have an accident, they can remove the underwear and throw it away
like a diaper and carry on unphased. (Seniors can go ahead and just
Skills Development (During Crapping)
Once your risk v. reward has been determined and
you are ready to implement your plan you will need to utilize other
skills to ensure success.
This can vary depending on the type of facility
you are entering but a few general rules apply. If you crap in a
certain place on a regular basis (i.e. the office), try to find
an out of the way crapper, far from ones that guests will use. Also
try other floors in your building. The keys to a good crap are privacy
One stall - It is either occupied or not. Weigh
risk v. reward and implement plan. If risk is high, find other options.
Two stalls - If none are occupied, select the stall
furthest from the door, urinals, sinks or other places where potential
crappers congregate unless it is fouled beyond use. If one is occupied,
only take the second stall in severe emergencies. Crapping etiquette
requires that you give crappers a full one stall buffer unless there
is a dire emergency. Don't linger in hopes that the crapper will
finish. Leave and either continue scouting for a good return plan
or find another location.
Three stalls - Never, ever take the middle stall
unless it is a dire emergency or the others are fouled beyond use.
When you are occupying a stall, give a little
cough to indicate to others that you are there and should be given
the courtesy due all crappers. Practice your cough to ensure that
it is loud enough and projects past the stall door. Also work on
timing. Also give a cough when you enter a public facility. Highly
skilled crappers will give you a cough in return to indicate that
they are there and know the rules of crapping too. Loud humming
or the shuffling of reading materials can be a substitute but is
not recommended as it is not very good etiquette. Toe tapping is
also quite effective.
Talking for urinators is within the bounds
of good urinating etiquette, especially when urinals are uncomfortably
close. However, talking during crapping is a big no no. It is never
proper to talk to a crapper or for a crapper to talk to another
toilet occupant. Nobody wants to make small talk with someone who
has a curly steamer coming out of their ass! Just don't do it!
This is a brilliant time to brush up on your
trade publications or gossip mags. While newspapers are acceptable,
they can be unweildy especially in a tight stall. Pornography is
never the choice of serious crappers. Erections do not lend themselves
to the easing of the sphinctor muscles and the free flow of fecal
Skills Development (Post Crapping)
This is the stage where it will be determined if
your crapping venture has been successful. By timing your crap you
can escape without others knowing it was you who fouled the toilet.
If you can reach the sinks and start washing up you have almost
made it. You can always pretend that you were a urinator and had
nothing to do with the foulest of vapors eminating from the stall.
Of course, nobody will believe you so it is better to get out unseen
all together. Note: Serious crappers always wash.
The Bathroom Attendant
This is the most vile of all people because
they ensure that no crap could be private or anonymous. If you are
faced with a bathroom attendant, try to find an alternative crapping
facility. If you can't, then be prepared. The bathroom attendant
will expect to interact with you after your crap. They will skillfully
turn on the water and squirt soap for you. In fact, by their presence,
they actually discourage people from washing. By knowing how to
deal with them, you can exact some amount of revenge.
When dealing with the attendant be friendly and
straightforward. No need for small talk. Just do your business and
get out. However, take revenge on them by using at least three different
perfumes or colognes, taking at least three pieces of gum using
six towels and two cups of soap. Tipping: Make sure to have a $1
bill ready in a shirt pocket or other easily accessible area so
as to plop it into the basket quickly and efficiently. While tipping
a person for helping you wash your hands is completely ridiculous,
you must way the risk v. reward here. Remember the overall goal
and stay focussed and you will be OK. For maximum revenge, wipe
your ass with the $1 bill.
While crapping is a bodily function, it can be an
art. By learning and using the proper crapping skills and etiquette
you too can become a highly-skilled gentleman crapper.