by The Brown Bomber of Deer Park
A subject almost never discussed, but one that is
very important to all men is the proper etiquette of taking a crap.
First let's examine the approach.
When one first feels the urge to deposit one's fecal
material in a proper receptacle is that the time to make your move
so to speak. Those proponents who subscribe to this idea think that
one must move as soon as the first cramp doubles them over or as
soon as they pass the first turd laced fart. There are pro's and
con's to this approach. The pro's are that the quicker one defecates
the less embarrassing the situation. You see a crap is usually proceeded
by copious farting, thus rendering one a social outcast.
Con's are (and this is proven) that it takes longer
to shit if one rushes into it. Also the turd or turds in question
don't hold together well. They break up on re-entry, thus taking
away from the esthetic value of the crap. Nothing is less appealing
than a toilet full of broken up MilkDud sized turds. A third con
is that with a rushed crap one stands a lesser chance of plugging
up said toilet due to the size of the turds and the fact that it
takes less toilet paper to wipe after a MilkDud crap. This only
applies to craps taken outside one's own home, i.e.: service stations,
restaurants, public restrooms, etc., etc. We will discuss this later
in this work.
Pro's are one has adequate time to select proper
reading material. There is time to ensure an ample supply of toilet
paper and most importantly, there is time to ensure that the facility
in question is indeed available.
The other side of the crap coin is the notion that
the crap is worth the wait. There are those who believe (and I am
one of them) that a crap should be put off until the last minute.
There is no need to jump and run at the sound of the first fart
or the gut wrenching pinch of the first cramp. By no means should
panic cause one to dash for the nearest toilet. If one knows his
own rectum then one should be able to accurately determine the exact
time to take a crap in order to maximize length, width, texture
and odor. Hold off until the last minute. Pack the shoot so-to-speak.
The pro's and con's of this concept are as follows; Con's are a
certain amount of embarrassment due to walking quickly to the toilet
bent double. The walk is usually accompanied by copious farting
with every step. This applies to anywhere one happens to be. Church
is especially embarrassing. A second con is the lack of time to
ensure an ample supply of toilet paper. The third con is the lack
of time to actually determine if the facility of desire is vacant.
The fourth and final con is that the longer the wait the bigger
the turd. It is not length that matters, it is girth. Any attempt
to expel a turd roughly the diameter of a softball can be extremely
painful and can lead to serious injury or blackout.
There are pro's. One is that the longer the wait
the smoother the turd. The longer the wait, the longer the turd
also. As mentioned before this can lead to the use of extra toilet
paper resulting in a plugged toilet. While not advocated in one's
own home, public facilities are fair game. Not only does one get
a certain amount of satisfaction at having plugged a toilet, there
is a humorous side too. Just thinking of some poor individual, who,
like yourself is a "Waiter" running in to the restroom
at the last possible minute and finding the toilet plugged, causes
one to chuckle.
Now we will cover the paper work aspect of shitting
or as it is known in the trade "wiping". First we must
examine the roll of paper. Some prefer embossed, some prefer perfumed,
some even prefer decorator colors. There are arguments to be made
for all. More importantly is how is the roll going to be distributed
on the dispenser? Do you prefer "over-roll" or "under-roll"?
The way the paper is dispensed can prove mentally unsettling. Those
who like their paper to roll over the top or front seem to be more
in command of their crapping. The paper comes off easily without
tearing into individual sheets which can be very messy. Under-rollers
are usually unsure and have low self esteem.
Secondly do you prefer to wad or fold your paper.
"Folders" are neatness freaks but run the risk of putting
a finger through the folded paper resulting in what is known as
a "magic marker", suitable for writing on stall walls.
"Wadders" are take charge people. They take the bull by
the horns. It is safe to shake hands with "Wadders". There
are those who use a wadded fold technique. It seems to work well
and can provide enough paper for a good plug up.
The last issue is the flush. Should one flush midway
through the crap? I have found that it is essential to flush midway
if the crap occurs at home and you are a "Waiter" who
wads. This will save you the trouble of plunging the plug. Residential
toilets do not have the flushing power of commercial toilets. If
on the other hand you are in public, by no means mid-flush or mercy
flush. This is especially true if you are on a commercial airliner.
In fact don't flush afterwards either. If at all possible exit the
toilet and leave the door ajar.
This in-depth examination may help you in the future
to take control of your life and your bowels and to use them to
become a more self-assured individual.